The Therapists Office

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“And that”, Kassandra finished, “is pretty much everything”.

The slim woman sitting across from her managed to keep her voice calm, to match Kassandra’s, though Kass could see the tears were beginning to collect in the inner corners of the other woman’s eyes.

Oh Lord, Kass thought, not unkindly, keeping her own face quite neutral, another one.

Kass allowed herself for a moment to break eye contact, and focussed instead on the white fuzzy rug that hugged the feet of the two women, the tall tan lamp in the corner of the room designed to provide “mood lighting”, and the strategically placed pink tissue box on the wooden coffee table to her left.

It’s a bit of a Kmart special in here, but at least its cosy enough. She did well.

“So, it sounds like your mother did love you, very much, she just couldn’t go on as she was”. Her voice was calm, though even the bare facts, laid out, had clearly caused this nice lady – Shona – to have some of her own emotions rise to the surface. Are people in her profession supposed to cry? It always seemed to happen, regardless. Kass shifted her attention back to the nice lady.

“When women take their own lives, particularly mothers, we see in the research that its common for them to take a great deal of action to protect whoever they’re leaving behind, even after they’re gone. I think, in her actions, she was showing she loved you. How does it make you feel, the thought that she loved you, after all? How does it feel?”

Kass paused. Ah, fuck. Feelings. She looked down at the rug for answers, its woollen swirls saying nothing. Kass wanted to lie down on it, rub her face in its delightfully soft fibres. Maybe in that corner over there. This corner probably had germs on it from people’s feet.

“I’d encourage you” – the nice lady was speaking again – “to think about where it sits in your body”.

Ok. I will play the game.

“Well –“

Silence

“It’s just -”

Fuck. Why won’t the sentences finish themselves?

“I’m sorry”. Kass cleared her throat, flashed Shona a brief, apologetic smile. For her part, Shona smiled, kindly.

Focus. Where did it hurt?

“In my… in my chest”. Kass gulped. “In the top of my back” She gestured vaguely backward, pointing to somewhere at the top of her spine. “It, um… it feels really deep”. The back of Kass’ eyes began to sting. She was going to cry. Shit.

“I, um, I’ve talked a lot of crap about her but – “ She paused, hearing how the word ‘but’ had gone up in pitch, wobbling at the top. The top of her mouth started to tingle, from old habits of physically holding back tears, the effort of making her face contort and distracting her brain. Why did she do that? If a person can’t cry here, where can they?

“I really fucking miss her” Kass choked out, as the tears started to fall and she reached for the pink tissue box.

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